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Milking the Moose
Those crazy Canadians celebrate April 1st

The noble moose has been a symbol of Canadian pride and strength going back to well before the arrival of the Europeans. Many native tribal legends refer to the moose as a mother figure or the sustainer of life. In fact, in language of the Malicite Tribe, the word for moose roughly translates as 'mighty big and hairy mother.'

The reason for this seemingly strange affiliation of the terms 'moose' and 'mother' has more to it than merely beginning with an 'M" and containing an "E". The fact that the female moose is a prolific milk producer and that a moose's milk is one of the finest nutrient sources on earth was known to the very earliest of Canadians. How else do you think a primitive society could have survived and developed in such a climate?

To know the value of moose's milk is one thing; to obtain sufficient quantities to support even a small village is something entirely different. As you can no doubt imagine, many methods have been developed and either refined or abandoned over the years. The Blackfoot tribe legend known as 'He Who Was Found Trampled With Moose Milk Spilt On His Chest' gives at least a minor clue to some of the tribulations suffered prior to recorded history during the development of this critical undertaking. The Apache legend known as "Bawling Moose, The Provider" suggests yet another approach.

On a more modern approach, there are museum examples of huge trusses designed to suspend the rear feet of a female moose (cow moose) off the ground to allow milking. While practical on a small scale, this method was deemed too cumbersome for commercial use.

Other more practical, but somewhat less humane, methods were developed during the 17th and 18th centuries. However, with the wildlife conservation movement taking hold in the early 19th century, following decimation of the buffalo herds (whose milk is incidentally far less pleasing to the palate but nevertheless useful for survival) it became essential to develop more efficient and humanitarian methods of collecting moose milk.

Indeed, this was one of the greater technological challenges of that era. The number of inventors trying to solve the problem was so great in some areas that the bleat of cow moose could be heard for miles around and local tipping areas were littered with abandoned mechanical moose decoys and elaborately camouflaged milk pumping devices.

Alas, the technical challenge proved to be too great for that era and the drive to commercially collect the nutritionally-perfect moose milk was eventually abandoned as commercial farming methods steadily improved. Moose milk faded from public view and only isolated aborigines and rural eccentrics maintained any interest. It is only with the post war technological boom that a viable method for mass collection of moose milk was developed. Although wildly popular in areas of heavy moose population, poor marketing has kept the nutritionally perfect moose milk from being the runaway commercial success it should be.

The most successful method of collecting moose milk involves using a robotic calf moose with a synthetically produced bawling sound. Early versions used recorded sounds but cow moose were often put off by the repetitive nature of most recordings. The most successful recording of the 1960s and 70s was a human imitation of the calf sound done by a native woman named Shining Moon (Over Old Dead Moose Carcass). The advent of digital sound reproduction and the computer chip led to the production of interactive moose calling.

Cow moose can now be regularly enticed to mechanical milking stations from as far as 30 miles away and the continuous bawling tends to keep the cows in the area and in milk production. Although producing unusual local reproduction cycles, the overall effect is essentially a moose dairy farm that requires no fencing or feeding by the farmer.

If you are in the least doubt as to the nutritional claims for moose milk, try it for yourself. Within anything from a few minutes to an hour after imbibing nature's perfect elixir, you will begin to feel the benefits. Initially a mild feeling of euphoria will overtake you as your metabolism increases its efficiency. Within a very short period thereafter, you will note various other benefits including a massive increase in confidence, pride, intelligence and magnetism to the opposite sex. There are only two possible negative side effects and they can be avoided by following these warnings:

1. If you feel the urge to paw the ground and run head long into a member of the opposite sex ? resist.

2. Despite the strong cravings you will undoubtedly feel for more moose milk, under no circumstances should you attempt to milk a moose on your own; this job is strictly for the professionals.

Submitted by Pete Majeau, created by Dave and Renate Shelton, Canada.